I suck.

28 Feb

I don’t know how else to say it. I want to post more. I have every intention of posting more. But those days of sitting in bed with a glass of red and all the time in the world have been so, so rare lately.

I think about you guys all the time. I come to read the comments, which are sparse now to say the least. The hits are down. I’m sad. And I don’t even get profit off this site so what do I care….well I care!! I like people coming here and saying they tried something and loved it! And now I have failed you…

I HAVE been cooking, too. Not as much as I’d love to be. It’s just the blogging part that has been difficult.

All these flights are spent reading cooking magazines, dog-earing corners for future use. I say, “oh they will LOVE this” when I see a recipe that makes me think of you guys because we are best friends and all. I’ve done alllllll these fun nights like “Watch What Happens Live” or hosting the E! post Oscar show or the chaos that is a week in Vegas for Sports Illustrated. But you know what is on my mind??? The food I get to have after all the bullcrap and hoopla. It’s all so much fun but at the end of the day, my thoughts go back to food. It’s like your friend who had some shithead boyfriend then she finally got a new, cool boyfriend but she sits up at night thinking of the asshole. Or is that just me. No it’s totally not me. I definitely am not sitting up at night thinking about assholes. Ew that’s gross. And food isn’t the asshole here. It’s the good boyfriend. So this analogy is just terrible I’m sorry anyhow…

I was in LA and here’s how the story ALWAYS goes…

John goes to the gym with his trainer, Malcolm. He comes home and I ask, “what are we doing for dinner tonight?” 90% of the time, John says he will be working. I yell, “MALLLLCOLM”. Malcolm comes out of the guest room. I ask Malcolm if he will be going to the studio with John, or staying home for dinner. And, not to brag, but Malcolm ALWAYS says, “if you are making dinner, I am staying!!!”. Sometimes he will even have dinner plans, then I make a frowny face. He says, “oh don’t worry, I can have 2 dinners.”

That’s what is so great about Malcolm. He loves a home cooked meal and he eats anything. The one thing he doesn’t eat? Avocado. Which I changed with my cheesy guacamole. I mean, it’s not quite just avocado, but still. Baby steps.

Malcolm knows not to believe me 90% of the time when I serve the meal with a warning. I am KNOWN for serving meals with a warning. Usually something along the lines of, “Okay now I’ve never made this before and I’ve never used saffron annnnd I might be a little heavy handed so it migggggght be a little sour…”.

He invites his friend over and together they play about 50 games of Madden (grown men) while drinking endless Hennessy. Actually come to think of it, that might be why Malcolm loves everything I make. The Hennessy.

I know to yell “DIIIIIIINNNNNNER” about 10 minutes before it’s ready to serve, because oh no, Madden cannot just be immediately paused. NO! Certain plays must be….played out. Clocks must…run out. I don’t fucking know but I’ve learned this is how it works.

Point is, I made the Pioneer Woman’s pork chops with garlic and wine, brussels sprouts (WHAT THE FUCK, IT’S “BRUSSELS SPROUTS”???? I THOUGHT IT WAS BRUSSEL SPROUTS life is over too much to handle) with balsamic and cranberries, and an apple, pecan and blue cheese salad. It was divine.

The point of this post (if you’ve been here, you know there rarely is one) is that I love cooking for Malcolm. He makes you feel good about anything you make. I love being in LA, in that kitchen. The second point? I’m sorry I haven’t posted much.

And for the record, yes we save a bit for Johnny.

Recipes to come!


70 Responses to “I suck.”

  1. Alli February 28, 2012 at 4:26 pm #

    I totally understand doing the “Dinner!” call 10-15 minutes before it’s actually ready due to video games…although it’s Skyrim in my place, not Madden.

  2. Cel February 28, 2012 at 4:34 pm #

    OMG! I have been wanting to make Ree’s brussels sprouts, too! My friend and I have been talking about Ree’s pork chops now for about two weeks, but we haven’t made them yet. We just drool over her website all day long and imagine how great they probably taste. I’ll definitely try them out now that I know they are great!
    PS) You did amazing on WWHL and on E! You need your own show asap! πŸ™‚

    • Meg February 28, 2012 at 5:55 pm #

      I enjoy that you call “Ree” by name. Why aren’t she and I on a first name basis yet? I love her so!

  3. kelli c February 28, 2012 at 4:34 pm #

    Oh, doll face. You don’t suck, you JUST have a life. Looking forward to more recipes soon! Besides, your recent banter on TV is keeping you in the forefront.

    PS put bikini pics (of you in the kitchen) on the front page header of your blog. hits will increase ten-fold.

  4. Monie February 28, 2012 at 4:39 pm #

    You wanna know how much you DON’T suck? I sat up one night a week or so ago and read this whole entire blog AND THEN subscribed immediately to get email updates. That’s pretty non-sucky.

    (In my house, replace Madden with drooling over motorcycles and we’re in the same boat. Don’t they understand this shit needs to be HOT in order to taste its best??? Boys are dumb.)

  5. Sorys aka*azafata that defended CB February 28, 2012 at 4:39 pm #

    My kids have been asking about you! They loved the Oreo stuffed cookies but… They need something a bit more nutritious!

  6. Janee February 28, 2012 at 4:39 pm #

    Welcome back!
    You just taught me something, never knew it was brussels sprouts.
    Will we be getting any wedding planning posts, specifically cake tasting & menu planning?
    You don’t suck, you just have a life.

  7. Meghan Stoll February 28, 2012 at 4:40 pm #

    I have to say, I really love reading this! I became a fan randomly in November..and realized I have worked with you before! I had no idea until I saw a picture of you eating.. I’m a makeup artist and it was a few years back.. Anyways, I’m a big fan and enjoy your writing because it’s like you’re just chatting right in front of me. Bacio, Meghan

  8. April Larabee February 28, 2012 at 4:41 pm #

    Your blog family has missed you. Welcome back!!

  9. LizScott February 28, 2012 at 4:42 pm #

    I spend a good deal of my work day thinking about what dinner will be. It makes me SO happy to get home at the end of the day and settle in cook something totally awesome.

    Speaking of Brussle Sprouts, have you tried Barefoot Contessa Maple roasted butternut squash? (sush, the two things are related in my mind.) DO IT. DO IT NOW.

    • chrissyteigen February 28, 2012 at 4:47 pm #

      that sounds AWESOME i think i will try it tonight!!!! holy smokkkkes sounds good.

      • Ronni February 28, 2012 at 5:31 pm #

        Speaking of grownup salads, you def should try Barefoot Contessa’s Roasted Butternut Squash Salad with Warm Cider Vinaigrette. It’s insanely good. When I’m too lazy to chop and peel the butternut, I use sweet potatoes instead.

  10. all wandy February 28, 2012 at 4:43 pm #

    are you still doing the low-carb diet? i just moved out of home and was hoping to try it. but i think i will have a hard time staying away from pasta, bread and potato. do you maybe have tips on how start small to be able to make it a habit. I’m south african so its extra hard as most of our dishes are high in carb. do you maybe have a reipe for butternut soup? had it at a function as a starter but i just cant get it right.

    • chrissyteigen February 28, 2012 at 5:13 pm #

      ah i don’t but I kinda feel like going butternut crazy soon. Will experiment for you!!

      • all wandy February 29, 2012 at 10:21 am #

        :)) Thank you..

  11. Kmaj9 February 28, 2012 at 4:44 pm #

    I will come for dinner. Call me if you have no-one to make your amazing meals for.

  12. Mike Famico (@Fameeks) February 28, 2012 at 4:45 pm #

    I made your Chipolte marinade last week! i tried telling you on Twitter, but that’s next to impossible to “reach you” on. Then I thought about sending you a quick note on here, but (until now) I didn’t think you ever read these comments.
    Well anyhoo, the marinade came out the nuts! I loved it! Marinated some skin-on chx thighs over night, baked at 350* for 1hr and 15min…and they were PISSA!!!

    I plan to make some more of your recipes, including your (now famous) Nipple Bacon! lol But I will be sure to leave you some feedback, especially now that I know you 1. read it, and 2. care what we say.

    Continued success,

    • chrissyteigen February 28, 2012 at 4:46 pm #

      lol thank you!! i’m glad you liked it. that is STILL my most favorite recipe that I’ve ever posted. Man it is so, so good. I forget sometimes.

      I haven’t made it with the black beans in forever. I want to go back and do that original recipe….you’ve inspired me!


  13. Ashley February 28, 2012 at 4:47 pm #

    Since you love the pioneer woman I highly recommend her spicy Dr pepper shredded pork…amazing!!! And so easy! http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2011/03/spicy-dr-pepper-shredded-pork/

  14. yogiebar February 28, 2012 at 4:51 pm #

    i love you chrissy! you and john were so cute and funny on watch what happens live! it was rather sickening.. how effing gorgeous are you too!! πŸ™‚ and you were fab on e!
    btw i have a quick tip/substitute for your cheesy guac. next time try mexican queso fresco.. makes its more authentic. mannnnn o’ man is it delicious!! try it:)

  15. cece February 28, 2012 at 5:08 pm #

    Yay! I have been waaaaaiting for a blog post! I am a newcomer to your site and already have made 2 of your low carb recipes: the rolled chicken breast/cheesy/bacon dish and the mushroom dish. Omg soooo good. I am going to try the chipotle marinade because you make it sound amazing, but I’m from Australia so I may have to substitute some ingredients. I have pork chops, garlic and red wine in my kitchen so I think I know what I’m making for dinner tonight. Keep up the blog posts!! I get so much enjoyment from reading them.

  16. wnatch February 28, 2012 at 5:09 pm #

    It would be cool to see some new recipes, I pretty much come here for food ideas before I peruse more pretentious food blogs where 90% of the words are “organic” or “antioxidant” or “cleanse”

  17. Emily February 28, 2012 at 5:11 pm #

    YAY! So happy that you’re back! My bf constantly makes fun of me because I read your blog all the time but he isn’t making fun of me when I make him a BOMB ASS DINNER! Thanks for coming back to us!

  18. gigi February 28, 2012 at 5:13 pm #

    HOORAYYYEEEE, you’re BACK! You’ve been missed.

  19. Shannon February 28, 2012 at 5:15 pm #

    SO happy you are back! Just found your blog a couple weeks ago and was completely hooked! Love the recipes and LOVE your sarcastic wit. Perfect blog for me so I am so happy to see new posts and already plotting to make the pork chops above! Welcome back! – Shannon

  20. Kim F. February 28, 2012 at 5:18 pm #

    I just moved to NYC from for a year for work and my husband still lives in LA. As much as I miss him, I miss cooking in a normal human-sized kitchen. I love cooking, I love cooking for people, but cooking a shoebox kitchen drains a lot of the fun out of it. Despite all that, I’m super excited from those brussel sprouts! (something I never imagined saying…)

  21. laura February 28, 2012 at 5:26 pm #

    Haha wow my mind is blown about that extra “s” too. And I know 100% what you mean about cooking for someone who appreciates it. I always get SO nervous cooking anything for my boyfriend because unless he’s like “OMG DELICIOUS I CAN’T STOP EATING WOWWWW” after every bite, I feel like a failure and then mope around all night. Andddd now typing that out I realize how crazy I am.

  22. Katie (@katiefzack) February 28, 2012 at 5:26 pm #

    I’ve missed your online presence lately. I saw you on TV at the Grammys, though. I have to say it’s nice to know someone else has been running around like crazy. While it’s not as glamorous as the things you’ve been doing, school has been ridiculously busy for me. Apparently my high school does not believe in a “senior spring.” They believe in the exact opposite, actually, where they pile on work until we collapse under the combination of stress and PMS (It’s an all-girls school. No, I’m not a lesbian). So far I’ve gotten into 3 out of 3 colleges. And while it pained me to turn down UMiami and the weather, I’m still holding out for USC. The majority of girls in my grade already know where they’re going so I’m just in a stressful place. Whatever. Deep breaths! Sorry for the life story but since we’re best friends and all I figured I’d just confide in you. Hopefully everything settles down soon for both of us so you can go back to blogging and I can stop pretending to care about homework.

  23. Stephanie February 28, 2012 at 5:28 pm #

    Chrissy. My boyfriend’s mother makes brussel(s) sprouts with BACON, and I think olive oil and garlic. Just thought you’d appreciate the reminder that you can add BACON to anything.

    I missed these posts!

  24. Kellylynn February 28, 2012 at 5:34 pm #

    After all the allegations the Pioneer Woman has plagiarized many of her recipes from church and community cookbooks, I don’t really follow her anymore. I mean really, how low can you go–lifting recipes from church cookbooks and not so much as crediting them–that’s pretty lame. And now Ree’s embroiled in the plagiarism scandal stemming from the Valentine’s Day incident on her blog, I am moving on. Smitten Ktichen has way better recipes and the author credits her sources. The Marlboro Woman and the Pie Near Woman have the details, http://bit.ly/xqtMqr http://bit.ly/x9PrAq

  25. Nicola February 28, 2012 at 5:56 pm #

    Welcome baaack! I am hosting a girls dinner on friday so your timing could not have been better… Actually get very excited when I get an email saying that you’ve been posting. That salad looks uhmazing, and I am thinking of doing your fig thing too, even if it means that I will have to go to my backyard tree and battle the birds and their philthy fig pecking habits.

    ANYWAY, welcome backk!! X Nicola

  26. alyssa7 February 28, 2012 at 6:06 pm #

    I love that you’re back at least! Hope that you’re having lots of fun and can’t wait to see what yumminess you’ve cooked up when things slow down a little πŸ™‚ xo

  27. On life and stuff February 28, 2012 at 6:15 pm #

    Don’t be sad!! I love you and your cooking… and I know where you’re coming from. I’d love to post more too, but… well, life gets in the way…

  28. Wendy February 28, 2012 at 6:19 pm #

    I almost wet my pants when I saw you finally had a new food post!!!! Although, at my age, doesn’t take too much to do that, anywhoo, I love, love, love you. You are awesome, you dont suck, and you inspire me everyday to keep cooking with humor and lots of alcohol, ha! And to get off my ass and start my blog!!! Xoxo W

  29. Jordan February 28, 2012 at 6:21 pm #

    Perfection. Thank you for all the wonderful recipes you share. I live w 4 guys in the east village- video games, basketball games, football games, fucking all things testosterone- your recipes and my time cooking them in the kitchen is the only zen I get! The boys love ur recipes as well- you have a gift. Thanks Chrissy!

  30. Sara February 28, 2012 at 6:23 pm #

    You are perfection! I’ve been obsessing over your blog + Twitter for months now and you’re my favorite girl crush. Love the way you talk about food. You’re easy to relate to and hilarious + you have the cutest pups & John isn’t awful to look at. Keep doing what you’re doing, loving seeing you everywhere lately (E!, Bravo, SI ect.)!!

  31. Heather February 28, 2012 at 6:35 pm #

    You DON’T SUCK! You put your heart into cooking and making these blogs for us. GOD FORBID you are busy! I love you for this…For the simple fact that you say “THEY will love this” and dog ear the corners. There is a reason why I love you…this entry is a perfect example as to why. Thank You for all you do. xo

  32. Ron February 28, 2012 at 7:50 pm #

    I cant wait to try the pork chops. did you see frontier woman’s green bean casserole the other day on her show? I cant wait to make that! fresh green beans with a cheesy, bacony, sauce, and topped with panko crumbs.

  33. caroline February 28, 2012 at 9:26 pm #

    that salad looks so amazing, i’m definitely making it this week. i’m glad you’re back posting, your blog is one of my favorites and i love your outspoken nature and honesty.

    and the pioneer woman is the bestttttt.

  34. Beth February 28, 2012 at 9:57 pm #

    Love you girl! It always makes me happy to see new blog posts from you. It really does inspire me to get in the kitchen and cook more good stuff! I will have to try the pork chops- I’ve been on a pork kick- so it sounds perfect. πŸ™‚

  35. meme February 28, 2012 at 9:59 pm #

    so chrissy…. what kind of red wine do you drink?

  36. Renee February 28, 2012 at 10:22 pm #

    And here I thought I was the ONLY person in the world that obsessed over food magazines….I confess, I read cookbooks like novels too…..I’ve saved 3 foot high STACKS of the food sections from the LA Times & OC Register, hand writing my favorite recipes into huge, college ruled notebooks….clearly, I have a problem, but at least I’m in GREAT company! You DO NOT suck!!!! Keep cooking, girl, I’ll keep drooling!!!!!

  37. Katie A. February 28, 2012 at 11:54 pm #

    Don’t worry you are still getting new people to your site. My friend told me about it a couple of days ago and I have to say I really enjoy it. It’s great to hear from another person who loves food. I have plans already to cook some of the meals you have listed. And I’ve already forwarded links of your site to a couple of food lover friends of mine!

    Thanks for the food inspiration! Can’t wait for more posts!

  38. Peter February 29, 2012 at 1:33 am #

    It’s about quality, not quantity. Besides, I need the downtime every once in a while to catch up to try things.

  39. Jaclyn February 29, 2012 at 5:30 am #

    Love reading your blog πŸ™‚ I check back to daily to see what funny comments and new recipes you’ve put up – AND… I am following the blog all the way from Australia… so that must count for something extra special?? Loved the cream cheese jalapenos, the mexican lasagne, herb crusted eggs! I can feel your passion for cooking through your words! Keep posting!! Xx

  40. Tierney February 29, 2012 at 6:14 am #

    Im going to NYC and was wondering where the best Thai food is and what I should get? Thank you!!

  41. Michael Smith February 29, 2012 at 7:26 am #

    β€œIt’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.”
    Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

    Hang in there Chrissy.

    Michael from Cooking Channel

  42. Brandy February 29, 2012 at 8:15 am #

    So glad you are back! I was wondering! Trying the pork chops this week! Yum

  43. Kristina February 29, 2012 at 10:15 am #

    You are a hilarious dork. I think people who read your blog also follow you on twitter, so I figure we know you got shit to do.

    Now I have shit to do, and by “shit” I mean that salad, and by “do” I mean eat.

  44. Elizabeth February 29, 2012 at 11:27 am #

    If it makes you feel better, I saved your blog as a bookmark on my google tabs, and check it frequently to see if you’ve updated. I have made some of the dishes you’ve made and I had so much fun making them!!!! Don’t be discouraged, were not going anywhere πŸ™‚ Were here loving the food along with you!

    • chrissyteigen February 29, 2012 at 11:37 am #

      this made me so happy πŸ™‚ thank you!

  45. Michelle February 29, 2012 at 11:38 am #

    I too have always thought it was “Brussel Sprouts” and not Brussells Sprouts.” I found this out last week and have been irritated ever since, LOL.

  46. Kelsey February 29, 2012 at 11:56 am #

    Hahaha good gawd this blog is fantastic. I just made my boss look like a newb when I told him it’s brussels sprouts and not brussel sprouts. I laughed in his face and did a “I know sooooo much more than you” smirk so I kind of feel like an ass but it was kind of worth it. πŸ™‚

  47. Ivette February 29, 2012 at 12:50 pm #

    Even though I get an email alert every time you update, I still check the blog in the hopes of seeing a new post. You might be obsessed with the pioneer woman, but I am obsessed with you! I’m making the salad tonight for dinner probably with some chipotle marinade chicken (my fave!)

    By the way, I live in LA so if both John and Malcolm skip out on dinner with you, just call me over and I’ll eat whatever you make. Then we can watch WWHL and play their drinking game haha. You were so much fun to watch on it! You might not post as often as you’d like but, you’re busy being amazing on Bravo and E! so all is forgiven.

  48. Bekah February 29, 2012 at 1:09 pm #

    you’re kidding… is it really BRUSSELS sprouts?? …. jesus!

  49. MelissaJ February 29, 2012 at 3:36 pm #

    You’re just too busy. It’s OKAY!! Of course I’d love you to post more because you are hilarious and make me smile, but….I get it. And I totally understand the Madden thing. What the heck?! I don’t get these men and their game, but whatever. Good thing you have Malcom to eat all of your yummy food.

  50. laura February 29, 2012 at 5:17 pm #

    don’t apologize for doing your thang! i loooooooooove your blog so much that i’m willing to be understanding of your having a life outside it πŸ™‚

    keep up the good work!

  51. Gisela February 29, 2012 at 5:54 pm #

    yay, you’re back! I swear I have been checking this blog pretty much every single day in hopes of seeing a new post. How embarrassing.

  52. Frances Sandoval February 29, 2012 at 9:52 pm #

    I am new here and have to say, I AM VERY PLEASED!
    I have to admit that I am very guilty, because here I was doing a simple google search on JOHN and came across this diamond in the ruff. I myself love to cook and try new recieps, I scour the food network site. So I AM IN LOVE with the fact that your site combines my three LOVES! 1. GREAT FOOD. 2. SARCASM/DRINKING 3. JOHN (And by the way thank you for sharing him with all of us.)
    I am excited to try some of these!

  53. crystal March 1, 2012 at 1:02 am #

    I love how everytime I read your blog I feel like your directly speaking to me…your so relatable, personable, & inviting. I have to admit, the truth is I have been a huge fan of your soon to be hubby since “Get Lifted”. Lately, I find myself looking forward to keeping up with you. I can honestly say, John Legend who….keep up the great work Chrissy..

  54. lisa March 1, 2012 at 9:12 am #

    chrissy! so glad you’re back… and like others have said above, i’m a lunatic and kept refreshing your blog each day like a crazy woman to see if you posted anything new, even though i get the email alerts, bah bah bah so i just kept myself entertained with your twitter (which is amazing, but doesn’t smell like bacon, which is what i imagine your blog smells like every time when i open my computer…) anyway.

    here is my question: who does the dishes after your feasts?! malcolm? john? pippa? cause you should be solely focused on hitting the hennessy by that point. πŸ™‚

  55. Kathy March 1, 2012 at 11:52 am #

    Love your voice/the way you write! It is funny, clever and witty:) It is like following a train of thought with bounces of humor that concludes with the point and punchline.

  56. Heddy J March 2, 2012 at 12:26 am #

    there’s not as many hits/ comments on here because, since we know your busy, we’ve launched a collective effort to fire Mary.

    • Heddy J March 2, 2012 at 12:30 am #

      sorry, I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t.. *you’re

  57. alex March 4, 2012 at 6:33 pm #

    why is it that men don’t rush to the table when you say dinner is ready?? I have to call my husband like a minimum of 27 times! If someone tells me a meal is ready, I”m at the table with fork in hand

  58. Christy March 4, 2012 at 8:35 pm #

    Cake batter popcorn was a jackpot in my mouth. Thanks for the suggestion!

  59. kissmie21 March 7, 2012 at 7:36 pm #

    whaaaat? not failing us by any means- in the last month i’ve tottally made the chicken wrapped in prosciutto 4 times…Each time I say how bad ass I am because I got the recipe from your blog. Your recipes have def given me points in the kitchen for sure….love love love cooking more now than ever! thanks for that!….

  60. Amanda March 8, 2012 at 4:28 am #

    I have to admit I have really been missing your posts. I love your wit. You write the way I think and I always look for you when I open my email. That being said, we know you have a life honey, and we know you love us. When I miss you I just read your twitter feed :). I saw those recipes on Pioneer Woman, whose blog, by the way, I started following because you said to. That stuff looked yummy. I’ve had the apple, pecan, salad and LOVE. Thanks Chrissy πŸ™‚

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